Horrible Life Hacks That Should Not Be Tried Anywhere by Anyone Ever
The internet can be a great source of advice. For every nugget of wisdom, however, there’s a bad idea offered up as profound insight. So-called life hacks are particularly guilty of this — after all, sometimes there’s a reason why people do things the normal way.
The life hacks below are so bad they might cause an early and spectacular exit from the gene pool. Which, if you're dumb enough to actually try them, might be a good thing for the species as a whole.
Turn Your Toaster on Its Side to Reheat Pizza
Here's a tip that's been making the rounds on social media for a few years now. Unlike many of the hacks listed here, this one can sometimes produce good results. But let's stress the "sometimes."
Hotel Coffee Air Freshener
Twitter user @BlaCkatUltimate has an unusual suggestion for keeping a hotel room smelling fresh. He says, "Life hack: open up the FREE coffee packets (keep the coffee grounds still in their casing) and put them in your fan/air conditioner/heater in your hotel room to not make your room smell bad after a day of playing."
Remove the Tracking Chip From Your Tire
You just can't trust the government, man. First, there was all that business with Area 51, then, all the spying on cellphones. And when is NASA finally going to reveal the earth is flat? Well, it's time to fight back, man.
Too Much Rice? Add Phones
Everyone knows the trick to dry out your cellphone if it gets wet — just throw it in a bag of dry rice overnight and it will suck all the moisture out. It's a great life hack! The reverse, however, is a not so great.
Seat Belt Beer Opener
Hey, if you're going to drink and drive, why not be practical about it? Twitter user @bob90003 has a proposition for you: "Stuck in traffic or on a road trip desperately needing a beer, but lacking a bottle opener? No worries, just use your seat-belt."
Microwave a Hot Spoon for Your Ice Cream
Hey, no one wants to wait around for their frozen-solid ice cream to get soft so they can spoon it out. No one has time for that.
Mute Your Girlfriend With the Remote
The problem with this relationship life hack is that it might work too well. @ProfessorE59 offers his tip with a warning: "Life hack: Pointing the remote at your gf and pushing the mute button repeatedly is super fun, right up until she figures out what you're doing."
Put Toothpaste on Your Food
It's the mark of a winner to save time by multi-tasking. Who says brushing your teeth and eating your meal have to be done separately? Twitterer @furrypillar posits, "You don’t have to brush your teeth if you just put toothpaste in your food."
Stovetop Popcorn Smoke Alarm
The problem with smoke detectors today is that they are just so oversensitive. They can't tell the difference whether it's a three-alarm fire or just you cooking a skillet of bacon. Everyone likes feeling safe, but they often goes overboard.
Detangle Your Earbuds
It's happening as you read this very article. Somewhere, somehow, your earbuds have come alive and are tangling themselves into an infuriating knot. No one knows how it happens. It's just a weird law of the universe. The world's smartest scientists are probably working on the problem.
Freeze Boiled Water for Later
Busy people like to find interesting ways to get time-consuming things out of the way. Seriously, who wants to wait for a pot of water to boil ever again? Twitterer @trisaaraatops sure doesn't.
In a Pinch, Replace Your Headlight With a Flashlight
Nothing says "There, I fixed it" more than replacing your car's high-powered halogen electric headlight with an ordinary flashlight powered by a couple of batteries. Should you be commended in public for your ingenuity? Or banished from the planet for reckless idiocy?
Ever since everybody saw Johnny Depp make grilled cheese sandwiches with a clothing iron in Benny and Joon, people have gotten it into their heads that irons can be a kitchen appliance. After all, if you can grill a sandwich, why can't you warm up a pizza?
Fix Your Socks With a Sharpie
Infomercials are great for getting inspiration when you're drunk at 3 am and wondering how your life has completely fallen apart. Watching middle-aged men get their bald spots painted over with a spray can probably gave this enterprising young fella a whopper of an idea.
Dip Your Contacts in Coffee to Stay Awake
Big companies like to make their social media accounts funny and hip — it's all the rage these days. Denny's is no different, but perhaps they've gone too far. One of the restaurant chain’s social media accounts suggested, "If you're up really late studying for finals, try swapping your contact solution with coffee for a quick pick me up."
Heat Up the Bath With Your Toaster
For legal reasons, it must be made clear to never try this at home. But honestly, where else would you try it? Because some people like to watch the world burn, twitter user @car_addict_jt opined, "Life hack: if your bath water gets cold, plug your toaster in and toss that bad boy in with you."
Cry in The Backseat of Your Uber Pool
It's tough to get out of bed sometimes. So if you have crippling depression, why not make it work for you? Twitter user @allstn has the right idea: "Life hack: if you cry in your uber pool, they don't pick anybody else up."
It's not that this hack doesn't work, it just has hugely disturbing implications. Do we really need a popcorn delivery device that sits right underneath our face? No. But do we want that? Actually, yes.
I Love YouTube
In a new relationship, someone has to say "I love you" first. But sometimes, the other person isn't ready for it. For these situations, twitter user @lifehacks suggests "If someone says "I love you" and you don't feel the same way, say "I love YouTube" really fast."
Box Wine Pillow
This one actually makes a weird sort of sense. Drinker and twitterer @katie_mullen_ has a clever tip: "If you drink wine and aren't able to make it home, blow up the bag and use it as a pillow."
Toilet Lid Dinner Tray
You're meddling with fundamental forces of nature trying to make anything related to a toilet into a food tray. Even if that lid has been melted down, reformed and bleached, it still seems unsanitary.
Microwave Your Phone to Recharge It
One of the most epic pranks of all time was a fake feature for the iPhone advertised by pranksters as "Wave." According to the hoax, "You can now Wave-charge your device by placing it within a household microwave for a minute and a half."
Hey, A-plus on at least having the intention of keeping an electrical outlet safe from water. Another A-plus on creativity, but F-minus on the execution. That shoe won't protect anyone from anything.
Get a Head Start on Crying
Look, you're not going to have time to do everything this semester, so you're going to have to get your crying out of the way early. Realist twitter user @annagarlock spells it out: "Life hack: accept how horrible this school year is going to be now so you can get a head start on crying."
Sleeping Drivers Need Sunglasses
Everyone can get behind driver safety, and one of the most dangerous things that can happen on the road is a sleeping driver. For this situation, twitter user @TrunnellKevin has novel advice: "Tired while driving? Put sunglasses on and take a nap! No one will see that you’re sleeping and get mad! Plus you’ll look cool!"
Avoid an M&M Mess by Pouring Them Directly Into Your Mouth
It's another one of those life hacks that's a solution in search of a problem. M&M’s aren’t a particularly messy candy unless it’s hot out, so it’s not clear how this is any better than just eating them by hand like a normal person. If anything, this approach only has downsides, since it means you won’t be able to savor each piece.
Do It With Your Selfie Stick
At some point in the future, selfie sticks will be considered a novelty from a bygone era. Our phones will just levitate and tell us what to do while asking about Sarah Conner.
Use Your Nose Ring as a Key Ring
This is not as stupid as it looks. There are definitely some "pros" to hanging your keys from your nose ring. One, you're not going to lose them. Two, people can hear you coming. Three, come Christmas time, you'll be jingling all the way.
Going Slow? Throw It Into Racing Gear
If you ever want to hear the sound of the world ending, take your car to racing speeds and then throw it into reverse. Before the spine-crushing G-forces and inevitable crash, you'll be treated to the apocalyptic noise of your transmission attempting to make a run for it before it screams and explodes.
Use a Snake to Measure Pasta
Hey, kitchen tools are personal. One cook's measuring spoon with a hole in the middle is another cook's pasta snake. Not everyone can be Gordon Ramsay, so it’s okay to improvise.