People from Around the World Share the Moment They Realized They Were Dating an Idiot
We all know that some people are just predisposed to say stupid things. Still, it’s one thing to see it on Twitter and another to hear it from the mouth of the person sleeping next to you. It’s not your fault. You met someone who made you feel special, and you had some things in common, so you hit it off.
You probably didn’t start out talking about heavy things like politics, weird quirks or completely illogical beliefs. But then, one day, they said something that completely changed your perception of them. That was the feeling these Redditors had when they realized they were dating an idiot. Try to maintain your faith in humanity, and, hey, at least the idiot wasn’t you!
“R” Is for Racing
There were a lot more signs, but the one I loved the most was every day she would put her car in neutral and push it out of her parking spot. I just assumed her shifter was broken or she had a bad transmission but didn’t want to replace it since the car was like five-to-six years old at the time.
One day, I had to drive her home because she hurt her ankle, and without even thinking about it, I put the car in reverse. She screamed at me when I put the car in “racing” to back it up. She seriously didn’t know her car had reverse, and for three years she had been driving it and manually backing it up every single time.
Just Like Unicorns!
We were watching Django Unchained, and during the winter training montage, there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment, my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren’t real animals and just make-believe, like characters in a fairy tale (such as Rudolph and the rest of Santa’s reindeer).
Kids These Days
She flipped out because her third grader came home with “erect” on a spelling list, and she was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing “erect” had any other use aside from describing a particularly private part of the body.
True North Is More Like a Feeling
We were on a hike and following a trail I had read about online. We get to a fork, and I say, “Okay, now we need to go north.” She says, “Haven’t we been going north this whole time?” Confused, I look at her and ask why she would think that. She replies, “North is the direction in front of you, yeah?” I’m still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic.
My Pal Al
A girl I dated for five years thought Al Qaeda was a lone terrorist criminal named Al.
So, Where Is Paris Then?
I knew when she told me that she’d never been to France, and I already knew for a fact that she went to Disneyland Paris every year. Her response? “Paris isn’t in France!” she insisted. We live in the U.K., not the U.S. or somewhere farther. You can literally get to France in a couple of hours.
His Hips Don’t Lie
My ex was the oldest of six kids. We had been dating for about a week and were both 20. I commented, “You have wide hips for a man.” He replied, “It’s from carrying children.” I was totally baffled until his youngest brother walked in, and he picked him up and held him to the side, rested on his hip, as you do with toddlers. I had to sit him down and explain that you don’t get wide hips from literally carrying children around.
Hand Over Your Liver, Sir
He was getting his license renewed, and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said no. When I asked why, he told me it was because he didn’t want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that his organs could be taken at any time.
Fractions Are Not for Everyone
One of my friends in college was making macaroni and cheese, and they saw the instructions said to add 2/3 cups of water. So, they added three cups because they like a more liquidy sauce. They thought it was two to three cups (not two-thirds), depending on how you like the sauce.
Alaska Zoo 2: This Time It’s Personal
She and I were talking about new places that would be fun to check out around town, just pitching random ideas. She asks me, “Have you heard of the Alaska Zoo 2?” Confused at how a zoo could have a sequel, I ask her what she’s talking about. “I saw this sign while driving down the road that said Alaska Zoo 2. Have you ever heard of it?”
It took me a second to realize that she was reading the road sign that told her it was two miles away, and she thought there was some sort of “sequel” to the zoo.
Geography for Dummies
So my girlfriend and I were listening to a podcast about the Cold War. The podcast mainly talked about the nuclear armament race between the United States and the former Soviet Union. Me being a history geek, I asked my girlfriend if she could name other countries at the present that had nuclear capabilities. She asked if Iraq was one of them. As I was about to answer, she stopped me and asked, “Hey, wait! Is the correct pronunciation of Iraq, Iran?”
I looked at her dumbfounded and said, “You do realize Iraq and Iran are not the same country, right?” She looked back at me like a caveman who just discovered fire.
Directional Failure at Its Finest
I was dating a soon-to-be nurse. She had driven up from Provo, Utah, to drop her friend off at the airport in Salt Lake City. She called me on her way back, hysterical, like bawling and incomprehensible types of hysteria. Her problem? She saw a sign that said she was heading to Las Vegas, and she didn’t want to go to Las Vegas. She wanted to come back home to Provo.
For a little background for those not familiar with Utah, Salt Lake City lies along I-15. About six hours south of it is this little place known as Las Vegas, Nevada. So technically, yes, she was headed to Las Vegas. Provo also sits right along I-15, only about an hour south of Salt Lake City. There are no other ways to Vegas. There are no other ways to Provo. I had to calmly tell her to just keep going (she didn’t believe me), and she would hit Provo first. We didn’t last long after that.
A Relative of the Six-Headed Emu
My girlfriend and I are walking down a trail through an orchard. A bird flies overhead, and she turns to me and asks, “What kind of bird is that?” (like I’m some kind of bird expert). I look at her and say with a straight face, “an Australian flame goose.” She continues walking and looks deep in thought. After a minute, she turns and asks, “What is it doing in America?” I respond with, “What are German Shepherds doing in America?”
She accepted that as a perfectly reasonable answer, and we went about our walk.
Maybe We Should Re-Name Them Slow Bumps
We were driving through a neighborhood with speed bumps, and after she accelerated over the third speed bump, I finally asked what the heck she was doing and why she was flooring it before the bump. She said, “That’s what they are for, right? To speed over them.”
If Pencils Aren’t Heavy, Neither Is Lead
She argued with me about whether or not lead (as in a lead vest) was heavy. She argued on the side of it not being heavy for 20 minutes until I pointed out to her that, as a nurse, she had worn a lead vest herself when helping with x-rays. Her defense was “there is lead in a pencil, but they aren’t heavy.”
And Shiba Inus Speak Japanese, Too
He started speaking to my friend’s dog in German. We asked what he was doing, and he goes, “What? This is why they call them German Shepherds.” We laughed, he didn’t. He said, “No, seriously, the reason they’re called German Shepherds is because when you’re training them, they understand German commands faster than English commands.”
I think we lasted two weeks after that.
The Multiplying Powers of Mirrors
At a fast food restaurant with a giant mirror on the wall, I noticed her staring at a man standing beside it, so I asked her what was wrong. She replied with, “Are those two guys twins? Because they’re wearing the same shirt.”
The Easiest Way to Cook Rice
He was cooking a stir-fry and was almost finished with the meat and vegetables, so I asked him if he was serving it with rice or noodles. He said rice, but I didn’t see any, so I replied that he probably should have cooked the rice first. He snapped back, “I have. It’s in the fridge.” I opened the fridge to find a bowl of raw rice covered with water and informed him that you can’t cook rice in the fridge.
He replied smugly, “Yes, you can. I saw it on a cooking show. The chef said, ‘Here’s some rice I prepared earlier in the fridge.'” Clearly, he was unaware that cooking shows are edited, and the rice had been cooked and then stored in the fridge. Poor dear probably moved back into his mum’s basement after that.
Numbers Aren’t Her Strong Suit
We were watching a generic action movie when the bad guy said, “I want $100 million,” and she started giggling. I asked her what was so funny, and she said, “100 million,” in a mocking tone, “that’s not a real number!”
How Babies Are Made Is Still Not Clear
I’m a girl, and the girl I used to date told me to use a contraceptive so she wouldn’t get pregnant. Then, while arguing about it, she told me that if she ends up getting pregnant, I have to assume responsibility as a father. I’m a girl. Seriously, a woman.
An Animal Rights Activist
It was about 10 years ago. We were talking about bar soap one day. He has sensitive skin and can only use certain brands of soap. I asked him if he had ever tried a specific brand I use, because it’s very mild. He got really serious and said, “Oh, no, I don’t buy that soap. They use elephants to make it.”
We have been married for seven years.
What Happens When You Take Things Too Literally
My girlfriend thought a “new moon” on the calendar meant a brand new moon floated in out of space and replaced the old one. We didn’t last long after that.
So I came home one day and saw my (now ex-wife) sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor vacuuming a huge pile of sugar and crying. She spilled 5 pounds when the bag ripped. The vacuum was burning up and nearly caught fire trying to clean the sugar up.
I walked over to the broom and dustpan 2 feet away from her and cleaned the mess up in seconds. This isn’t why we are divorced, but it was a harbinger of much more stupidity to come over the years.
Love That Tan!
I went on a first date where the girl “complimented” a homeless man on his “tan” for a good two minutes (felt like 20). She wouldn’t stop talking about how nice it looked, and he was looking at me like, “Does she know I live in this park and am burned to a crisp after many hard years under the sun?” He was nice about it, but I felt really bad. This wasn’t even the worst thing about the date. There was not a second one.
I knew when he told me that there was such a thing as a pickle plant. I tried to explain to him that pickles are cucumbers and that other things can be pickled, and he refused to believe me, even after I got the jar of pickles from my fridge and showed him that the first ingredient was cucumbers. He then suggested the jar was lying.
Who Cares About the South Anyway?
Back when Russia invaded Georgia (former Soviet Republic), a week after it started my ex said, “I can’t believe they’re not going to send troops to stop the Russians!” I began saying that it wasn’t our job to police the world, and we certainly shouldn’t get involved in a land war against Russia in their own backyard. But then after a few minutes, I realized she thought that Russia had invaded the U.S. state of Georgia.
I broke up with her soon after that.
Calorie Counting Fail
I was very interested in this one girl, but never ended up dating her. This was back around 2005, when all of these 100-calorie packaged snacks came out. She and her friend would share six or seven bags, open one and share the contents inside, then on to the next and so forth. She said that since they were sharing, they were consuming fewer than 100 calories, as in altogether. I tried to explain to them they are sharing 600-700 calories between the two of them. “NO! We’re sharing each bag! So it’s less than 100!”
I also tried to explain to them that they would save money by purchasing a large/family sized bag of their snacks instead of opening many small individual bags. But they still argued using their logic that there are too many calories in the larger bags.
Car Battery? Who Needs It?
When we went on holiday and I drove her car during the day, she got mad that I turned the headlights on (habit). She informed me that I was wasting gas, and the battery could die on the way. After explaining it several times to her, she got mad and insisted we drop it, and I turned the lights off. She turned the radio on. I smacked the radio off and jokingly yelled, “WE CAN’T AFFORD THAT KIND OF GAS MONEY! WHAT IF THE BATTERY DIES? WHAT ARE WE, MONEY PANTS? THIS CAR HAS NO GIGAWATTS TO SUSTAIN US!!!” She was not amused. Then she explained in depth that the radio gets its power from the radio waves, so I am wrong, again. She is married now and working on her master’s.
Just a Separate Species Entirely
My spouse has his moments. At a pond that had ducks and geese, he once told our child, “Look at all the baby geese! Aren’t they adorable!” I looked at the pond and saw no baby geese, just adults birds. I told him I didn’t see any babies, and he pointed out there were lots of them.
That’s when I realized he was referring to the ducks. I then explained ducks are different than geese and that all those ducks were adults, not babies.